Grey Skies Steal Lives

Today is gross and rainy and not fun at all. At least it's not fun because I'm out of bed. I mean could I be laying there between the sheets and wrapped in the warmth of my own body heat then yeah, today would be great. But I'm not there. I'm sitting at a desk in front of a computer which forces me to remove my gloves so that I can type and thus leaves my fingers, those poor little extremeties that are so far from the source of warm blood, exposed to the cold. The house which hosts the church office was poorly designed in that the vents for the central heat and air are all on the floor. Not in the ceiling, not on the top of the wall, but down at the base of the wall next to the floor where they become covered by various pieces of furniture and rendered useless as their air flow is blocked by wood and plastic. So my office is left uncirculated when I close the door at the end of the day, which results in it being cold in the morning when I return.

And the rain isn't good rain. It's drizzly, tiny drops which lightly sprinkle you with bits of chill to add to the cold. It's not accompanied by great thunder and lightning and it doesn't awe you at the sheer amounts of water coming down from the sky. Instead it nags at you and forces you inside to be cooped up wishing you could enjoy the brisk breezes also going on outside. The source of the rain is a blanket of grey that hides away the beauty of the sun and the sky. It makes you feel drowsy and lathargic.

It makes me understand through a metaphor how my life can be a gross and rainy day if I begin to allow even small things to cloud the source of light which gives me life and energy and purpose. The storms of life with come and with them brutal thunder and lightning. Quick and swift damage can occur but what always happens is that the storm dissipates or moves on through and the Son is once again revealed. In contrast to the storms these hazes which cover the sky seem to be even more draining. They take away our sight to see "Christ who strengthens me" for so long that we become used to the dreary view and begin to accept it as normal. We forget the joy of a sunny day, with clear blue skies and life giving warmth. I don't want to forget about the Son. I don't want to get used to grey skies and rainy days.

I'll endure the storms because I know that "a bright sunny day comes after the rain. You going through thunder, get ready for change. The mountains you're climbing will go away, cause it's all gonna clear up after the rain" (After the Rain by K2S). However, I refuse to let my life get slowly filled by drizzles and a blanket of grey which may steal my vision of God. This I think is the real reason so many people live luke-warm lives not truly filled with the fruit of the Spirit. Satan has acheived a slow and gradual fade of the vision which we all saw when we first encountered the power of God in our lives.

Inside Out

Your name on my lips
Three words on my mind
My heart all a flutter
The reason I cannot find
What is it about you
That turns me all about?
What is the reason
I seem so inside out?
The words and expressions
They all escape me
There is not explanation
For what you do to me
I cannot put into words
The way that I feel
A dream, a fantasy
Can this be real?

Our Daydream Beneath A Tree

The grass was soft and my body felt it
The sky was blue and my eyes beheld it
The breeze was cool and my arms sensed it
The tree was shady and my skin thanked it

Your touch was warm and my body liked it
Your kiss was light and my lips loved it
Your voice was tender and my ears embraced it
Your love was tangible and my heart drank it

Like a daydream it came
Like a dream come true it went
A moment to last forever
Eternity found in a moment
My heart races with the memory
My breath is stolen by the thought

My hands miss your hands
My lips, your lips
My eyes miss your face
My ears, the sound of your sweet voice
My mind daydreams of you as
My heart longs for your embrace

Be not far from me
You are but a thought away
Remember the daydream
And I will not be far from you
Connected in those moments
Forever bonded by those memories

Fireside chats and morning naps
These are the things that help me relax
These are the things to bring up the slack
Don't look back
Old friends left alone on the road behind
New friends stand in the distance you find
It's not something to blow your mind
Don't press rewind
Fog blurred vision in an unknown mission
It's not logic nor emotion, it's a decision
And you made it because of his Son
Don't stop wishin'
I'll keep the pace as long as I see your face
There is no first and there is no last place
There is just those who have and haven't accepted grace
Don't lose faith
There was evening and there was morning, the sixth day
Then came a new friend with which to play
Then the deception that caused us to fall away
Don't go, stay
He placed in you a need, but not something to feed
Seek first His kingdom and then you will succeed
He will satisfy you inside and you will be freed
Don't you leave
Have patience my friend, you will find in the end
A purpose, an indentity, a hand to help mend
The wounds, the tears created everytime you sinned

I know a lot of rainday survivors
I have met a lot of sunday drivers
I get destracted by the body dividers
Let's unite all the dead church revivers
Don't forget the spiritual reminders
And don't follow the traditional rewinders
Look for the Yahweh insiders
And forget all that man's religion requires
Let's be whatever He desires
Let's be the cleansing, fueling fires
No more back stabbing biters
No more first impression hires
I want stories of the martyrs
I need love that knows no borders
Where is God?! Give Him back you horders!
I need help with the weight on my shoulders
Is there hope as we get older?
Where is relief in todays stuffed folders?
I need peace like when Jesus told her
"Where are all of your condemners?"
For I know that we are all sinners
So why can't we just be winners?
Instead I see quiters
And hatred shared over dinners
We get hurt by the constant dividers
But we need to be dead church revivers
Then we can all be rainday survivors.

The Beauty In Me

I just want you to know
I don’t really like snow
But it’s pure white beauty
Helps me to see
All the beauty
That you see in me

So I will endure winter
Until I reach summer
Looking for the wonder
So I can see
All the beauty
That you see in me

With grace and mercy
You cover the cursing
That so often hurts me
And won’t let me see
All the beauty
That you see in me

And it is with thanks
That I stand on the banks
Of Jordan’s river
Where I rediscover
All the beauty
That you see in me

The Treasure Inside

If I were an apple, would you eat me so you could be fed? Would you cut me open to find the seeds inside that, if planted, will produce a tree with unknown quantities of reproduction?

If you were an apple, would you let me eat you so I could be fed? Would you allow me to cut you open so I may plant the seeds found inside?

If you knew you had exactly what someone else needed to survive could you let someone open you up to get it?

Inside me and inside you is found a treasure placed their by our Creator meant to bless someone else. Are you willing to be vulnerable so you can also be useful?

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.'" (Matthew 16:24-25)

Broken Twigs and Fallen Limbs

There is a place I do not know
A place I know I cannot go
There is a place I want to be
A place with peace and tall green trees
There is a life I do not live
A life I know I cannot give
There is a life outside of me
A life with joy, not misery
There is a will but not a way
A will to do what I cannot say
There is a will inside of me
A will to share, to heal, to be

Where are You Spring?

Okay, sorry, I know I promised a blog in the few days following my last post and now here it is a week later. "Better late than never"

The fall here was beautiful, the winter was snowy and cold, and the spring... well I don't know yet. I grew up in San Antonio, TX. I'm used to maybe a month or two or semi-cold weather then back to milder temperatures. The summers there are long and the kids can't concentrate in school past spring break because you just want to go outside and play. But that isn't what I'm getting here. Winter has been cold and long. I loved the snow and was thankful it wasn't the ice storms of Oklahoma, but when does this end? Today the high is 79! But I've seen this before. We even had a whole weekend of mid 60s only to drop back below freezing and get a light flurry. They're predicting we may even see snow in May. May!? Oh please Lord, save me from this misery!

When will the trees bloom? Will the leaves be gone forever? I wanted to write a spring follow up to my fall and winter blogs talking of the renewal we find in the Lord. But God isn't letting me do that. Instead he's teaching me something else. It's a lesson I've had to endure before. But never has it been so poignant.

As I drive through Topeka, I see the barren trees and gaze into the gray sky, wondering where all the beauty of life is. When will I feel the warmth of the sun? When will I see the signs of new life. And then the other day I noticed something. The grass is green. No, not just the overly fertilized grass of businesses and the professionally manicured ones in the nicer neighborhoods. All the grass is green. All over Topeka I see green grass. Oh and beautiful yellow bushes with a sprinkle of a few red buds on smaller trees. Once again my focus was only on the bad, the dreary, what God wasn't making beautiful in my life. I failed to see that the Lord was blessing the very ground I walk upon. Though the sky gray and many trees still barren, the path the Lord has laid before me is blessed. There is life. I just have to be willing to see it.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." (Psalm 23:4)

When all that is around you seems dead; when the world's not all as it should be, know that the very path you tread is laid out by the Hand of God.

Okay so before starting this blog I wrote on xanga. I've got a blog to share with you guys, but in order to fully understand and appreciate it I have to make sure you've all read some previous blogs of my from xanga. So below are two thoughts that originally were posted on xanga and I'll post the new blog in the next day or two.

PREPARING FOR WINTER

I love living in the part of Kansas that has trees. Topeka is full of trees. As one resident said the other day, "the trees in town are more beautiful than the trees out of town." I had come back to the church today from lunch before realizing that I didn't have the van keys which I needed to return to their place before assembly tonight. So I drove back across town to my apartment. While on my way through the neighborhood around the church building I saw this tree with pure red-orange leaves all the same shade. The majority of the leaves had already fallen to the ground creating a blanket surrounding the base of the tree. There were only a few leaves left on the branches near the bottom of the tree. What a beautiful site it was. It got me thinking, why is it that trees shed all of their "protection" when preparing for the winter cold? So often when we go through winters in our lives we quickly gather in all our "protection" to try and hide from the deathly chill that surrounds us. And then I pictured myself before God. I'm standing there trying to grasp at each leaf as it falls from around me. Obviously I can't keep up. God just shakes his head. In the end I've got a handful of dead leaves that are no longer doing me any good. Then I pictured myself standing before God much like the tree I had seen. I'm before him, almost completely bare as he gently removes one by one the things I before was so desperately grasping for. Spilled all around my feet are those things that I thought would protect me from the trouble ahead. My hands are empty so that I can grasp the hand God is reaching out to me. Come next spring I suspect, just as it has happened year after year, that tree will be growing a fresh set of green leaves, blooming anew. I too can look forward to a fresh beginning, a season of sunnier days. But in order for me to make it through the winter, I need to be willing to strip myself bare before my God so that He can breathe that new life into me.

THE WEIGHT OF WINTER

This past week Topeka and the surrounding areas suffered a pretty bad ice storm (not quite the devastation in Oklahoma). As I drove around town I noticed how cool the trees looked as that were incased in ice, making them look like crystal sculptures. But what really took my attention was that those trees which had failed to drop all of their leaves before the ice storm weren't beautiful sculptures, but rather they looked overburdened and wilted; many of them with fallen branches and others that bend so low they were laying on the ground. The trees lacked the strength to hold them selves up and it was not because of the ice. For as you looked around the other trees seemed fine holding the weight of the ice that was frozen to their bare branches. Rather it was the presence of leaves and the added weight of ice that they collected which cause these trees to be unable to bare the load. So often we resist the times when God seems to be taking away from us the things we love the most, stripping us of those things that we think are so important. Jesus says, "I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." (John 15:1 & 2) If we resist the pruning of the Lord, we too may end up caring a greater load than we can bear. For only the Lord knows what lies ahead and we may be headed for an ice storm for which we need to prepare by lightening the load in our lives.

Nearer, Draw Me Nearer

I read a blog by Carl a couple of days ago and something struck me that I never fully realized. Carl quoted the hymn "Nearer, Still Nearer" as I will do now

"Nearer, still nearer, close to Thy heart
Draw me, my Savior, so precious Thou art
Fold me, O fold me close to Thy breast
Shelter me safe in that haven of rest
Shelter me safe in that haven of rest"

What struck me was that the language used here is so backwards from what I hear both in my prayers and the prayers of those around me. So often I'm praying "Lord, come into my life. Draw close to me so that I may feel your presence." But it's the other way around in this song. So I looked through our church's songbook to discover that the same language used in "Nearer, Still Nearer" is found in many other songs as well.

"Nearer my God, to Thee, nearer to Thee!
E'en tho it be a cross that raiseth me;
Still all my song shall be, nearer, my God, to Thee!"
- "Nearer, My God, to Thee"

"Nearer the cross, my heart can say, I am coming nearer
Nearer the cross from day to day, I am coming nearer
Nearer the cross where Jesus died,
Nearer the fountain's crimson tide,
Nearer my Savior's wounded side,
I am coming nearer, I am coming nearer"
-"Nearer the Cross"

I've heard this lesson before, but never did I realize how backwards I was thinking about my nearness to the Lord and how that manifested it self in my prayers. I suspect my actions were affected too. I have heard a million times that when we feel abandoned that it was not the Lord who moved away but rather us who retreated from Him. But it's so much more than that! God already tore the down the curtain that separated me from Him (Matthew 27:50-51). He sent His Son not just as the ultimate sacrifice but to be the bridge that still creates a pathway between my Lord and I today! Even when we are feeling good about life and are walking along the narrow path it is never God who should draw near to us (He's already done that!), but rather us who are continually drawing near to Him. Even in the good times it is not Him who has moved or needs to move. The Lord is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8), and it is I who must change.

When I pray, "God come close to me" it is like me saying to a water fountain, "Hey I'm thirsty why don't you break off the wall and come over to me." Obviously if it did that it would be severing itself from the supply of water. But rather then only way to stay where I am and yet receive water is to have someone bring it to me. And Jesus did! He is the living water! (John 4:10) But he doesn't just bring me a cup, but invites me to get off my lazy bum and follow him back to the source (Revelation 7:17).

"Jesus, keep me near the cross: there a precious fountain,
Free to all, a healing stream, flows from Calv'ry's mountain!"

Paint Me a Picture with Images Blurred

So I saw "Definately, Maybe" at the Dollar Theatre here in town. In case you haven't seen the film I'll give a brief summary. Essentially you follow the significant dating adventures of one man as he dictates the story to his daughter. He's currently a single dad (he's in the middle of divorcing his wife) and his daughter wants to know how he met her mom and seeks to gain a better understanding of how they could now be divorcing. He tells her "it's complicated" but she insists it can't be as bad as he asserts. You ride along with the highs and lows of the single dad who loves and is loved, but rarely do both occur together. Towards the end his daughter admits, "wow, it is complicated..." as she then rattles off the vines of love that had her father swinging like a monkey through the jungle of romance. Now I'm not trying to write a movie review but this film sparked my thoughts recently about life.
Today I was on facebook and read a message from an old friend who's struggling with her current job and the devastation it's having on herself and her marriage. My life hasn't been a piece of cake, but as I read her dilema I couldn't help but think of how even when we know what the problem is and what needs to be done to change things that doesn't mean the actual doing of those things is any easier nor are they clean-cut and without side effects. Each choice we make so often has much further reaching consequences than we can currently see or admit. What seems to a little child to be so black and white, so easily discernable appears less clear, more muddled, and so much more complicated the greater knowledge and experience we have.
And yet, there is hope. I am sure the Spirit of God spoke through me as I typed my reply. My friend had said that she was deep in the valley. I responded, "Stay strong and know that if there is a valley then their must be a mountain top and you just have to patiently climb to get there." Wow! What a thought! The good news here is that when what we see is a picture with blurred images, a valley with no end in sight, or a dilema without an easy way out we must remember, that God has a much clearer perspective. The Lord Himself is my guide and all my hope rests in Him.
The Lord promises, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you... For I am the Lord your God... you are precious in my sight... and I love you." (Isaiah 43:2-4)
So do not be afraid, because David says, "even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me, Your rod and Your staff they comfort me." (Psalm 23:4)
Our call to follow Yahweh has always been one of day by day, minute by minute steps. Faithfully and patiently walking, crawling, or even climbing we must continue to move forward in all situations. When in the valley don't lose heart. When on the mountain top don't lose sight of following the Lord as He guides us to ever increasing glory.

My Motivation

It was during the summer after my freshman year at Oklahoma Christian University that I discovered a certain lack of motivation within myself. I was working that summer for Vector Marketing selling Cutco knives through appointments in people's homes. At first I was a hard worker, doing everything I could to perform well. (Okay maybe not EVERYthing). But for the most part I was striving to succeed. So much so that I was promoted to "assistant manager". Unfortunately it was about that same time that my motivation to do this job absolutely plummeted. I just didn't care anymore. It was hard to make phone calls, I didn't to drive to people's homes, and I let every little thing that wasn't perfect stack up as reasons to stop trying.
Let's step back now. Throughout middle school and high school I was addicted to Youth Group. I was the kid that would do anything and everything that the Youth Minister put on the calendar. Baseball game the same weekend as a retreat? Sorry team. Date the same night as a devo? Okay so I didn't really have any dates. I remember being so jealous of my sister when I was in middle school because she got to do all these "high-school only" events. "Why can't I go, Mom?" "Because, son, you're not old enough."
Jump back to Vector. I found myself that summer wish I could do all the youth group stuff again. There was a social side to my job. I received recognition for my accomplishments. Not to mention the money. I didn't care. There wasn't anything spiritual about it. No great worship. No deep conversations. No conviction of my heart. "Who cares if these people have good knives or not? Do they know Jesus?" I thought to myself. At this time I was already a Youth Ministry major. I had already felt a calling to make my living by serving the church, Christ's bride. But that summer the truth was revealed to me that it wasn't just a choice between several things I could do. It was the ONLY thing I could do! My heart wouldn't let me do anything else. Nothing else motivated me. So there you have it. That's why I do what I do. I can't do anything else.