Nothin' Special

So, I know it's been a while since I've put anything on here. Some of that is because life has been full and kept me with lots to do. However, I must admit I haven't updated here in a while because I set for myself a precident and a perceived expectation that each of these posts must in some way be artistic or thought provoking. I felt as though a simple sharing of what's happening in my walk with the Lord wasn't good enough. But as has been the case most often in my life there comes a time when I need written expression even when the creative juices are lacking. So if you care to know what's been happening and is currently going on with me on a spiritual note please feel free to read on.

Let me begin with Anna. Anna is my girlfriend and has been for some time now. She has shown me beauty, talent, love, expression, joy, comfort and strength. As many of you know I function best when I have people in my life that I can show love to. That doesn't necessitate a romantic relationship but I've been blessed to currently have that in my life. Promising to be there for someone in a close relationship and walking through a relationship with someone like Anna allows for a unique practice of Christ's love that I otherwise would be without.

Now what about me. Well, I'm still working as the Youth Minister for the Central church of Christ in Topeka, KS. I've loved my time here and the church family continues to become MY church family. As with anything there are ups and downs. With every victory comes an attack from Satan. One of the things I'm struggling with in my ministry is communicating that the Lord desires us wholistically. Not just all of us some of the time or some of us all of the time, but all of us all of the time and the way that plays out in our daily even momentary decisions and lives. In this battle I fight against the whole of culture, school, family patterns, twitter, facebook, etc! It can often be overwhelming and yet I press on because I know the importance.

So this has become a focus in my own ministry but really stems from my own life and walk with the Lord. If I am to communicate to the kids how they can fully live for the Lord and give Him all they have I must first be able to answer the question. So how do I, Twig, a child of God, a minister, a boyfriend, a mentor, a guy who lives by himself give my all and live wholistically for the Lord? Got any answers? Cause I'm struggling. I'm searching. I'm seeking the heart and will of God. One thing I know is that what I've been doing isn't good enough. There's the surface stuff like not enough prayer and bible reading. But what really concerns me is the deeper, greater stuff. Let me just say this. I DON'T KNOW ANY POOR PEOPLE. Well, that's not entirely true depending on what your definition of poor is. One thing I love about my church is that because of our location we do have several families who are not middle class. Nor are they upper class. They live in places most of us have never stayed and don't have the stuff most of us are so accustom to. But I don't visit them. I help them get food from the pantry when they need it and I arrange for those with teens to get rides and scholarships to activities. But that's not what Christ called me to. Or at least as I'm reading both the Bible and books recommended to me by those who know me well I'm seeing a greater expectation that I have not really reached.

"Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy."

I've been teaching are High School on the Beatitudes and my study on this particular one has been a huge log in the fire that rages inside my soul. The following is some of what I found.

The Greek word used in Matthew 5:7, eleemon, means essentially the same as its English counterpart, "merciful." However, in all likelihood Jesus spoke in Aramaic, and the idea behind His statement about mercy comes from Old Testament—that is, Hebrew—usage and teaching. The word He would have used is the Hebrew and Aramaic chesed.

William Barclay's Daily Study Bible commentary on Matthew states regarding this word:
"It does not mean only to sympathize with a person in the popular sense of the term; it does not mean simply to feel sorry for some in trouble. Chesedh [sic], mercy, means the ability to get right inside the other person's skin until we can see things with his eyes, think things with his mind, and feel things with his feelings.Clearly this is much more than an emotional wave of pity; clearly this demands a quite deliberate effort of the mind and of the will. It denotes a sympathy, which is not given, as it were, from outside, but which comes from a deliberate identification with the other person, until we see things as he sees them, and feels things as he feels them. This is sympathy in the literal sense of the word. Sympathy is derived from two Greek words, syn which means together with, and paschein which means to experience or to suffer. Sympathy means experiencing things together with the other person, literally going through what he is going through." (p. 103)

And that leaves me here. Not knowing where to start, what to even do, or if there is something more I should be doing. I hope to update this again sooner than later and I have more to share with you. If you want some prep on the discussion read Acts 2 taking special note of verses 42-47.

My Motivation

It was during the summer after my freshman year at Oklahoma Christian University that I discovered a certain lack of motivation within myself. I was working that summer for Vector Marketing selling Cutco knives through appointments in people's homes. At first I was a hard worker, doing everything I could to perform well. (Okay maybe not EVERYthing). But for the most part I was striving to succeed. So much so that I was promoted to "assistant manager". Unfortunately it was about that same time that my motivation to do this job absolutely plummeted. I just didn't care anymore. It was hard to make phone calls, I didn't to drive to people's homes, and I let every little thing that wasn't perfect stack up as reasons to stop trying.
Let's step back now. Throughout middle school and high school I was addicted to Youth Group. I was the kid that would do anything and everything that the Youth Minister put on the calendar. Baseball game the same weekend as a retreat? Sorry team. Date the same night as a devo? Okay so I didn't really have any dates. I remember being so jealous of my sister when I was in middle school because she got to do all these "high-school only" events. "Why can't I go, Mom?" "Because, son, you're not old enough."
Jump back to Vector. I found myself that summer wish I could do all the youth group stuff again. There was a social side to my job. I received recognition for my accomplishments. Not to mention the money. I didn't care. There wasn't anything spiritual about it. No great worship. No deep conversations. No conviction of my heart. "Who cares if these people have good knives or not? Do they know Jesus?" I thought to myself. At this time I was already a Youth Ministry major. I had already felt a calling to make my living by serving the church, Christ's bride. But that summer the truth was revealed to me that it wasn't just a choice between several things I could do. It was the ONLY thing I could do! My heart wouldn't let me do anything else. Nothing else motivated me. So there you have it. That's why I do what I do. I can't do anything else.